


It Gets Better

by DivineVarod



Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Coming Out, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, Io - Freeform, It Gets Better Project, M/M, Marooned, conversion theraphy, pride month
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-04
Updated: 2016-06-04
Packaged: 2018-07-12 01:20:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,738
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7078624
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DivineVarod/pseuds/DivineVarod
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Lister decides to try and fix Rimmer's Camphor Wood chest he accidentally unlocks a secret panel that contains magazines and some letters. His find reveals a side of Rimmer the Hologram tried to hide for most of his life. (Written for Pride Month.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	It Gets Better

Io was one of the newly terraformed moons of Jupiter in Earth's Solar System, colonised by the Space Corp. A newly created planet it might have been, but when visiting the volcanic world you could be forgiven for thinking you'd stepped several centuries back into time.  
For some inexplicable reason Io became the refugee colony for the conservative and draconian in society who felt Earth had become an immoral Sodom and Gomorrah and wanted to start afresh. Only the true traditionals were selected to populate the moon.  
It was obvious the moment you saw it: from the brown Victorian style buildings to the appearance and outlook of it's occupants: this planet was dull, traditional, stifled and deeply bourgeois.

Life on Io was strict and anyone deviating from the template was looked down upon and became a social outcast.  
  
Not a good place then for a sensitive boy to be born to a family headed by a “half crazed military failure” turned teacher who believed in harsh corporal punishment. A man so traditional even some of the most hard-line Io-nians felt he was taking it too far sometimes.  
  
Edward Rimmer ruled his family with an iron fist: he drilled his sons day and night and would not spare the rod. Having been refused entry to the Space Corps because he was one inch below regulation height had made him determined to get all of his sons into the Space Corps, so that he could live out his dreams through them. An important part of this was all his sons being “real men”. Three of them were, or atleast acted like they were, one wasn't.  
  
The young Arnold J. Rimmer had a love for painting, drawing, poetry and musical theatre, all things his father resented. His brothers enjoyed abusing his artistic flair and made him “The Queen of Spain” when they played “The Three Musketeers”. Oblivious it was meant as humiliation, Arnold enjoyed it. Until one day Mr Rimmer Sr walked in on their play. The young Arnold was forcefully removed from the game and beaten brutally.  
  
Arnold was stripped from his books and drawings. His paintings were torn up and his records crushed. A few days later he was shipped off to Boardingschool: Io house, where the teachers – including his father did their hardest to humiliate him into becoming a man.  
  
\---  
  
Three-Million-Years later.  
  
Feeling bored and vaguely depressed Arnold J. Rimmer was laying on his bunk. He had run out of things to do that didn't require someone to aid him. He always wondered what the point of being a Hologram was, in the grand scheme of things. His existence felt fairly limited.  
  
Suddenly the door blasted open and Lister ambled in, dragging Rimmer's Camphor Wood chest behind him. Startled Rimmer jolted upright.  
  
“Lister, what the smeg are you doing with my trunk? Haven't you damaged it enough you infected piece of puss?”  
  
Lister smiled patiently. “Don't get your knickers in a twist, smeg for brains. I'm only gonna try and fix it.”  
  
He knelt down next to the chest and frowned at it. Glad of something to take his mind of the boredom, Rimmer joined him.  
  
“How the smeg do you think you're going to fix it Lister? It's wood not Kryten needing a new attachment!”  
  
“Oh ye of little faith. I got it sorted, man! All I need to do is take a few bottom planks to the back. You see, I think the bottom has a double layer and as you're not keeping anything in this …”  
  
“Thanks to you …”  
  
“Hey, I said I'm sorry, man!”  
  
“Hang on … you're going to do … what …??!!”  
  
The moment Lister begun to apply pressure on the bottom of the chest Rimmer's heart – or rather his lightbee's simulated heartbeat- stopped. He jumped to his feet.  
  
“Erm, Listy, never mind. I've changed my mind. I don't need this chest, I'm a hologram, can't touch stuff. Forget it.”  
  
Lister looked up and scowled at him.  
  
“What are you on about? I'm not gonna ruin it, I swear.”  
  
“Just get out of there stop …”  
  
A “toink” sound stopped him dead as he was filled with simulated nausea and dread: the secret panel at the bottom had opened.  
  
“Hey!!” Lister laughed cheerfully. “Secret hiding place, brutal.”  
  
Rimmer made a valiant attempt at talking, at anything that could stop Lister from looking at what was in there, but it was as if every part of him had frozen in shame and horror. All he could do was look on impotently as Lister's hand grappled into the darkness.  
  
“Hey Rimmer, there's some stuff here!”  
  
“Probably useless trash, I wouldn't bother.” Rimmer managed to squeak far too high and forced.  
  
He could have died again watching Lister's stunned surprise at the magazines that came up, then the letters and the note book.  
  
“Charming Gentlemen Monthly?”  
  
“What?”  
  
“Hey, letters …”  
  
“You're not going to read them, are you Listy?”  
  
“Why not?”  
  
“Well, it's someone's private conversations!!”  
  
“A million years ago. All it is now is an historical novel, something to keep me entertained.”  
  
“You really have no respect for privacy, have you, Lister?”  
  
Lister looked at the magazines again: “Property of A.J. Rimmer?”  
  
“My mothers.” Never had Rimmer wanted the ability to touch more than at this moment just to snatch everything away and knockout Lister.  
  
Lister scoffed, he stretched out in the chest, clearly enjoying his findings.  
  
“A lifestyle magazine for the well bred gay gentleman.” Lister frowned and smiled up at him. “Rimmer, is this yours?” He asked playfully.  
  
Rimmer knew Lister was probably just messing about; but he couldn't stop the anger and hurt rising. He also couldn't stop from blushing, or gaping at his bunkmate in horror.  
  
“It is, isn't it?” Lister laughed cheerfully as if he just discovered something hilarious. “Oh that just explains so much!!”  
  
“Shut up Lister, just shut up!” Rimmer's head was spinning. He'd never wanted anyone to find out, certainly not Lister and certainly not like this. This was worse than Gazpacho soup. Didn't Lister realise how much he was hurting him?  
  
Lister seemed to be having a field day with his discovery, he had moved on to the letters and there was nothing Rimmer could do.  
  
“And what's this? Arnold Rimmer's secret love letters?”  
  
“Don't you dare!!” Please don't, anything but those letters.  
  
“'Dear Aryeh, if only I could tell you how much you mean to me. How much I long to feel your strong arms around me.' Aw, Rimsy, that's so sweet ...”  
  
“I said, shut up!!” Rimmer screamed, sounding almost hysterical, tears burning behind his eyes.  
  
The tortured sound startled Lister whom looked up at him, and froze seeing the pain in his bunkmates face. Rimmer didn't notice.  
  
“I can't believe this. I can't believe you'd stoop so low making fun out of …”

Rimmer felt his entire being buzzing in humiliation, hurt and fear.  
  
“Oh, forget it …” He looked at Lister one last time and ran out.  
  
\---  
  
“Holly, switch me of, now!”  
  
Rimmer had stormed into the hologramatic suite without a pause to think.  
  
“You what? Why?” Holly said, quite startled by this unexpected request.  
  
“No questions, just do it. Also, override my protocols, Dave Lister is not allowed to switch me back on, ever. Now off.”  
  
Frowning in surprise the computer decided it was best to comply with the upset Holograms wish.  
  
“If you wish, matey ...”  
  
Rimmer disappeared.  
  
\---

“Smeg, smeg, smeg!” Lister angrily hissed to himself after Rimmer had ran out. Now what had he done? This wasn't just crossing the line, he'd crossed it and wiped it out clean.

The look in Rimmer's eyes was still burned in his eyes and mind, the hurt and disappointment deeper than when he ruined the chest. How had he managed to pull this off twice in as many weeks? He'd only just got the Hologram to talk to him again.  
  
This was really bad, he had to find him, make it right.

“Holly, where's Rimmer?” Lister called.  
  
“He asked me to switch him off …” The computer face said matter-of-factly.  
  
“Turn him back on.”  
  
“Can't.”  
  
“Why not?”  
  
“He overrode my protocols. You're not allowed to switch him on.”  
  
“What the …?”  
  
“ _You_ are not allowed to switch him on …”  
  
“Yeah, you sai … Oh, oh! … I get ya mate. Clever! Wait here.”  
  
Lister ran out and found the Cat.  
  
“Cat, come quick. You gotta help me switch Rimmer back on.”  
  
“What?”  
  
“Rimmer's switched himself of, I'm not allowed to turn him on, you have to do it.”  
  
“What language you speaking Buddy? I'm not getting any of that!”  
  
“Just help me get Rimmer back, man!”  
  
“We got rid of him now you want him back? Sorry buddy, I'm not supporting insanity, I'm gonna throw a party!”  
  
With that the Cat was gone.  
  
“Holly, get Kryten …” Lister sighed.  
  
\---  
  
“Switch Mr Rimmer back on please, Holly …” The Android asked the computer politely.  
  
“Okey-dokey, matey.”

“Sir, as it was you he specifically wished to stay away from, I think it's best if I do this reboot alone. Holograms can be a little delicate fit's thing in the reboot.”

Lister nodded.  
  
“Just make sure he doesn't switch off again.”  
  
“I'll do my best, Sir.”  
  
\---  
  
Lister waited impatiently in the bunkroom. He wanted to speak to Rimmer desperately. He had to make it right.  
  
It was not until an hour later that a red eyed, deadly pale Rimmer returned to the bunkroom.  
Lister thought it best to jump straight in to get it over with.  
  
“Rimmer?”  
  
The Hologram flinched, making Lister feel even more guilty.

“Rimmer, I'm sorry. I was an insensitive berk. It was just … well, unexpected I didn't mean to hurt ya.”  
  
“You always say that and yet you keep doing it.”  
  
“Rimmer, come on.”

Silence.

"I ... I didn't read the notebook ..."

Rimmer snorted.   
  
“Just leave me alone Lister. You've done enough damage.”

Silence.   
  
“I don't mind yer being gay …”  
  
“Well I do.”  
  
“Rimmer …”  
  
“Why do you think I was hiding this stuff, you gimboid? I don't want to be gay, I can't be gay.”  
  
“Everyone can be gay, Rimmer.”  
  
“Well I can't.”  
  
“Arn, I don't think you have much say in the matter, mate. If you're gay, you're gay.”  
  
“Five therapists claimed quite differently …”  
  
Lister's dread grew. Smeg, why couldn't he have done that psychology course when he had the chance?  
  
“Therapists?”  
  
“Yes.” Rimmer said with a defensive, almost proud tone to his voice. “Conversion therapy, IO was famous for it. My father was one of it's champions. I must have been treated in every clinic they had.”  
  
Lister's heart stopped for a second, as he felt a chill go through him. What had that strange family done to this man?  
  
“Rimmer, that … that's horrible man! Why did you never tell me? Must be horrible to have lived with all this for so long.”  
  
Rimmer sighed several times, he seemed exhausted. He slowly turned his head to look at Lister.

“I never knew I could. I had taught myself to always hide, never show, never talk. What else could I do being raised the way I was? There was no place for feelings, certainly not THOSE feelings. That man, my so called father beat me to pulp just for painting as that was for poofs! He hated them and always said he thought I was one - another disappointment - another character trait that had to be stamped out - literally. He made me feel dirty for loving …”  
  
Rimmer sighed again and stopped, he looked as if he was in mental agony.  
  
“Loving who, Rimmer?”  
  
A long silence. After half a minute Lister begun to wonder if Rimmer didn't want to discuss it. Then out of the blue the Hologram suddenly begun to talk.  
  
“It was at Cadet College …”  
  
“Cadet College? But you told me you …?”  
  
“Didn't you notice how long it took me to tell you? I had to make something up …”  
  
“I was deranged with hunger, so no. Rimmer what happened?”  
  
“The part about the car was all true … though … we didn't have sex.”  
  
“Sandra?”  
  
“Sanders … Aryeh Sanders.”  
  
“What happened?”  
  
Shaking with emotion Rimmer stumbled through a brief rambling account of how he had lost the man he loved.  
  
“We were kissing. My so-called father found out and had Aryeh court-martialed. I had divorced that man long ago, but he was a tutor there. The glee in his eyes when he dragged Aryeh away. I never saw him again, I always think he was ...” Lister noticed Rimmer was close to tears. “he was ...” He shook his head, he couldn't say it. “The college heard, the word got out and from that moment on I was beaten up and called a faggot on almost a daily basis. For a while I was so numb it did not even register. What did register was that my father came to my dorm that night, saying that even though I divorced him he'd always be watching me: ALWAYS! Never would I sully the Rimmer name. I then knew I'd never be free. Part of my soul froze that night and I thought I would never feel love again.”  
  
Lister shook his head, his heart breaking for Rimmer. No wonder the Hologram was so deeply troubled. He had never been able to be who he was, he probably didn't even know who he was. His father had a plan for him before he was even born and no deviation was allowed. Everything Rimmer was or could have been had been smothered by an abusive, insane man till there was nothing left but a shell filled with self hatred and an almost robotic obedience to a man and an idea that both had been dead for millions of years.  
  
“I … I'm so sorry Rimmer.” Lister was surprised to find he was almost crying, crying for a man who seemed to have been so brainwashed he could not even see that what had happened to him was wrong.  
  
“Why?” Rimmer asked, sounding empty.  
  
“For what they did to you. Everyone. They had no right.”  
  
“It's fine. It's no more than I deserved.”  
  
“Rimmer, no. You were abused. What you have been through: no-one deserved that. Certainly not a child.”  
  
“Lister … I know you mean well, but please stop talking. Please. I … It might sound strange to you … but …” Rimmer stopped, then uttered a strained; “Thinking that it was right, that it was what I deserved is the only way I could cope …” Then the Hologram broke and sank onto a chair shaking and uttering a series of sobs. Lister came to his chair, wanting to hug him, only remembering too late …  
  
\---  
  
Eight hundred years later …  
  
David Lister woke up when he felt a wetness dripping on his face. Cranking open his sleepy eyes he saw the wetness came from Rimmer who was laying next to him. His eyes wide open the Hologram was staring far away into space, apparently unaware that he was crying.  
  
“Arn, hun …” Lister gently prodded his partner.  
  
Rimmer flinched at the unexpected touch, but relaxed when he realised where he was and who had touched him.  
  
“Did I wake you Listy?”  
  
Lister kissed his forehead, right above the H.  
  
“Doesn't matter Arn. What you thinking of? Why'r you crying?”  
  
Rimmer sighed and said one word that revealed nothing but encapsulated everything.  
  
“Io ...”  
  
Lister swallowed “Oh, hey …” was all he could say. He knew all about that place and cursed the fact that Rimmer had to grow up there. It had ruined the biggest part of his life.  
  
“Why?”  
  
“I had a nightmare that I was back there. When I woke up I couldn't stop thinking about it. Suddenly the memories were so vivid.”  
  
Lister wrapped his arms round his upset partner and traced the tear-stains on his cheeks with his lips.  
  
Finally he said: “It's centuries ago. You must try to let it go Arn. You've made such progress.”  
  
Rimmer was quiet, he blinked a few times then asked: “Did I?”  
  
“Would you be here in my arms if you hadn't?”  
  
Slowly a smile spread on the Holograms face. “That's true …”  
  
They snuggled up together and were quiet for some time until Lister suddenly spoke again.  
  
“So ...”  
  
“Yes?”  
  
“If you saw the young you right now and could tell him something … What would ya say?”  
  
Rimmer thought about it for a moment, then his eyes brightened.  
  
“I guess I'd tell him that even though it will take a very, very long time … one day … One day it gets better.”


End file.
